It's interesting, and very kind, that people constantly inquire after your welfare once you have lost a partner. The professionals whom you have to contact about all the unpaid bills and the other legal miseries that inevitably come bobbing along in the wake of death pretty much universally use the phrase, "I'm sorry for your loss." This comes either early or late in process of taking care of business. My response is usually, "Thank you, so am I." It's sincere, but somewhat distancing. A statement of fact, it only requires a quick response.
People who know you more informally, however, take it farther. They ask, "How you doing?". This is a response that triggers thought, because it more or less implies that they're aware that you're going through a difficult adjustment period, and it's definitely more supportive in its intent. It's more nuanced than "How are you?", and less insouciant than, say, "How's everything going?" Its implied focus is on you and your particular feelings and situation.
But "How (are) you doing?" is difficult to answer, because sometimes you just want to stop for a minute and say, "Well, I'm glad you asked. I'm having a lot of trouble figuring out exactly what's going on with our bank accounts." Or maybe it's more like, "My God, I didn't know chicken got so dry and tough if you left it in the oven too long." But does anyone really want to have you do data mining like that? In the computer world, we call that a core dump. Probably it's best to keep it brief, honest, and appreciative in tone.
"How (are) you doing?" can be pretty open-ended like that. It's nice. It presents one of those rare opportunities that if you feel like elaborating, you may, but you don't have to. Nobody has a particular agenda, other than to show an interest, and offer an opportunity.
So if you happen to see me, and happen to say "How ya doin'", don't be surprised if sometimes I say, "Just fine, thanks", but other times, "Well, the cat threw up on my kitchen chair, and a raccoon chewed a hole in the swing seat, and I don't think I like the way I cook, but generally, not so bad, thanks." After all, you asked for it. And thank you for asking.
4 comments:
Well summed up, Bill. Thus it is. We all sense this, I suppose, but it's good to see it spelled out. And as always, you bestow the situation with graceful understanding of the human condition, as well as our societal conditioning.
Oh I completely understand. I learned to ignore "How are you doing?" after our children died (one in 1996 and one in 2000, so we had to go through it twice) because I discovered that it is such a natural thing to say. I found myself saying that to people I knew who had lost a loved on and then correcting myself, saying I knew it was a stupid question. People have to say SOMETHING, I guess, and they are concerned for our welfare and they don't really want to know in detail how we are doing, but they just can't help themselves.
After my dad's death:
"I'm so sorry about your dad passing away. How are you doing?"
"Not so great, my dad just died."
I probably should've been less sarcastic because the people who asked meant well, but it was all I could do to not burst out in tears. I really need to come up with a better response for just such occasions.
The year my son died, my daughter had an unexpected pregnancy after going wild, and our business failed I lost all interest in attending a group I had been in for years. Just got tired of all the shallow 'How are you's. Wonder what the response would have been if I had told the truth 'I HURT' instead of 'Just fine'....... kdip
Post a Comment