Thursday, November 26, 2009

It was only a matter of time

OK. Some mental midget spammed an old entry on this blog (not that I get all that much traffic, but that's fine... quality rather than quantity matters). It was especially galling because it was appended after one of Jo's few entries, and it was anonymous (coward) and it had a whole mess of links to buy cheap software, which you know has to source itself in piracy.

My apologies to my few faithful followers, but I'm now moderating comments, and you'll have to fill in a Captcha as well. I do appreciate the sincerity of your comments, but this is the internet, and part of that is the dark sewer of spam that flows beneath the bright surface of friendly interchange. I'll be as timely as possible in posting whatever is written by an actual human being.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Celebrate!

I've been impressed by the thoughtful responses to my previous post, about the difficulty of responding to an unintentionally awkward question in the aftemath of a loss. In some sense, the grieving person is put in the position of trying to ease the pain of the questioner, while having to deny his or her own feelings, however briefly.


Such denial contributes at least one more paving stone to the road to depression. Like all roadbuilding, it is a cumulative process, only not as obvious. So if that road is to be cut off, we need to find ways to stop building it, or reduce the pace of the project.


One way is to celebrate. If you hit the online dictionary, you'll find several different meanings, each of which suggests some approaches.


1. To observe with ceremonies of respect, festivity, or rejoicing.


In the case of the departure of a loved one, whether through death, divorce or duplicity, there are still things to celebrate:

  • there was a time when we were the best of friends
  • there were times when we understood each other perfectly
  • we forgave and forgot the other times, at least for a while if not forever
  • life was challenging, comfortable, exhilarating, difficult, worthwhile
  • I grew up a little (or a lot): especially in regard to....


2. To perform (a religious ceremony):

  • In certain cultures, a household shrine, or a table of mementoes, commemorates the ongoing presence of the spirit of the departed.
  • In the case of some acrimonious departures, a dart board can be a target of ceremony that at the least reduces stress
  • Writing a list of all of the things that one is thankful for, and all the others that were painful, and then burning it (preferably outdoors or in a fireplace) along with statements like, "Thank you for our love: I release you, and you me" or, conversely, "Begone miserable witch/warlock, and haunt no more this sphere of misery" can be as meaningful, if not more, as any priest or prophet can conjure.

3. To extol or praise:

  • We generally get our first chance to do this at a memorial service or a funeral, but the stress levels are very high, despite the presence of empathetic supporters. So it needs to be done again, and again.
  • The obituaries offered by the funeral homes are bland lists of living relatives, with standard phrases that conjure nothing of the intensity of feeling and emotion. And if you have too many survivors, the high cost of listing them brings out the natural Scrooge in many of us. And yet, "survived by her loving husband, Alfred, et al." would seem unkind at best. So put pen to paper, fingers to keyboard, mouth to mic, and write speak or record what you really feel. Then see that at least one other person reads, hears or sees it.
  • With the passage of time, the mind blots up the inky spots of bad memories, and so, writing an annual or unscheduled remembrance is likely to take on a more silvery gloss as the days become weeks and the weeks months. Rereading previous peans will encourage you to see that indeed, you have actually grown emotionally and spiritually, because all paths eventually lead to forgiveness and understanding.

Note that I do not refer to those horrible, smarmy couplets that appear in newspapers, picked from prescripted Hallmarkian anthologies. "You are gone but not forgotten, though the leaves of fall be rotten".


No indeed. If smarm is your thing, well, good on you. I'm just saying that you can do better. As the Moody Blues put it, "Say what you mean, and mean what you say." "Best damn husband I ever had" is good, and true, especially if you've only had one so far.


4. To make widely known; display. Well, why not? If the mayor of your city, town or village can declare a day to honor a celebrity or an occasion, you certainly can do the same amongst your friends and relations.


An email message that has as its subject line : "I hereby declare: Today is Jo Day" is bound to attract attention. But do not pass it along by the carbon copy method. Send out one to each of the persons who would care, each one highlighting a different memory. It is impossible to remember everything about another that we would wish to remember. But in the replies you are bound to get, there will be others, some of which you may well never have know.


And should the day commemorate someone who is best forgotten, the above exercise should provide an opportunity to indulge in a little rueful irony, which may well help with the healing of feeling.